Polyamory

Polyamory is a more general term than Polyfidelity.

It refers to having multiple loves or lovers at the same time, and has the connotation that this is done openly and honestly. There are many ways that could be done, ranging from swinging (sex parties) with some emotional attachment, to dating around with your spouse's permission, to some form of polyfidelity.

There is a long article about it on Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyamory

Polyfidelity

The word Polyfidelity, as far as I know, was coined by the Kerista Commune in San Fransico, CA, in the 1970's [1]. To the Keristans, "polyfidelity" referred to the lifestyle ideology they advocated and (mostly) practiced, which included group living, a new religion, a written "social contract", a rotational sleeping schedule, a desire to recruit new members, Gestalt-O-Rama process, and the Dominica Plan, which would eventually involve millions of people leading to global peace and prosperity. It was ambitious and complicated.

During the 1980's the word "polyfidelity" began to be used by others [2], with a meaning closer to what used to be called group marriage [3].

Wikipedia also has an article on Polyfidelity: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Polyfidelity

What Polyfidelity means to me

"You know sometimes sometimes words have two meanings" [4]

This is what I mean by polyfidelity: A romanic/love relationship between more than two people in which the group is seen as primary. The group adds more members (if at all) only by consensus of the whole group.

More or Less than monogamy

I divide polyfidelitous relationships into two types, which I call "More" or "Less" than monogamy. In a less-than-monogamous relationship, the basic unit is a single person. People join the group (by consensus) one at a time. In a more-than-monogamous relationship, the basic unit is a couple. The couple may expand to include others.

I have been living with the same woman for more than forty years. We have never gotten married. We each have younger siblings who have gotten married and divorced while we have been together. When people ask why we have not gotten married, sometimes I say: "My father told me not to". Actually, he never said that directly, but one of his favorite sayings was: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." That seems to apply.

Polyfidelity is something we do together. Neither of us is interested in dating separately.

How many?

The Keristans wanted to expand their "family" (they called it a B-FIC) to 36 people (18 men, 18 women). They wanted other B-FICs of 36 people each.

I don't see the point of that. I am happy with the two of us; if we could have a close relationship with another couple I would be happy with the four of us. "Sister—lovers—water-brothers / And in time maybe others" [5]? It takes years to develop a relationship. I don't expect to live long enough to need that many, and I don't care at all what the rest of you do.

Virus

The April 2020 Family Tree discussion group was held by internet video chat because of the corona virus. Naturally, the topic was "Polyamory in a pandemic".

There are still people meeting in hotel rooms for sex, and calling it "polyamory". A group that is more like a polyfidelitous family had people living in two different houses, and traveled between the houses, still counting it as one family for purposes of "social distancing".

I wish we could do that, but I am a computer scientist, and my boy-friend-in-law's wife is a biologist. She knows too much about viral disease, and I know too much about exponential growth. We are afraid. "In much wisdom is much vexation, and he who increases knowledge increases sorrow" [6].

[1] Polyfidelity, Art and Writings by the members of the Kerista Commune, Published by the Performing Arts Social Society. (1984)
This book says:

In the May 1980 issue of Psychology Today there appeared a lead article on the subject of jealousy. Featured in the article was a two-page spread entitled "Polyfidelity: The Keristan Village Ideal" …

which is the main evidence I have that the word "polyfidelity" was coined in the 1970's.

[2] Ryam Nearing, The New Faithful: A Polyfidelity Primer, Polyfidelitous Educational Productions, Eugene OR (1989)

[3] Larry L. & Joan M. Constantine, Group Marriage: "marriages of three or more people, how and when they work", The Macmillan Company, New York (1973)

I haven't seen Larry in decades, but Joan (no longer Constantine) is still (2020-04-27) the editor of the Family Tree newsletter.

[4] Led Zepplin, Stairway to heaven

These words are from a song, but the thought can be found in Aristotle and Confucius. Yet still today people can get into long and agro arguments about the true meaning of a word or symbol.

[5] David Crosby, Jefferson Airplane, Triad, on Crown of Creation album

[6] The Holy Bible, Revised Standard Version, Eccles. 1.18

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